ShirtHappensStudio.com -Shirt Happens Cartoon Comedy : Chracter Profiles

Shirt Happens Comedy – Character Profiles: Mugshots Courtesey of the International Mall City of America Police Department


COMEDY!


The Suits are a group of gangsters, corrupt politicians and wealthy tyrants who try to rule over the entire International Mall City with an iron first. On paper they are the single biggest investor in the mall project, and they exercise their authority ruthlessly while running all manner of illegal businesses behind the scenes. They demand accurate information about mall activities and dictate new rules and procedures as they see fit. Each of them has their own private offices and other facilities throughout the mall, however the locations of such facilities are unknown to anyone at this time. It is rumored that in case of a global disaster the suits have mechanisms in place to convert the mall into a personal fortress to ensure their survival. They have plenty of money for the best security measures but there are forces brewing in the mall underground that look to overthrow the monopolistic dictatorship established by the suits. PRESS “i” IN TOP RIGHT CORNER FOR CHARACTER INFO!

Character Profiles - Suits ( CLICK "FS" TO VIEW FULL PROFILE )

The Suits are heavily invested in the mall and use it as their personal base of operations with greedy and devious intentions TIP: CLICK "FS" TO VIEW FULL PROFILE

[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles-suits/thumbs/thumbs_bankston_mugshot_big.png]Benjamin Bankston
A shrewd politician with strong ties to the Chicago political machine Benjamin Bankston became famous nationwide when he spent over $2 billion dollars in his bid to become President of the United States. Through scandalous backroom deals and shady no-bid contracts Bankston made a name for himself first as a state senator and then as a representative of the state of Illinois in the United States Senate. He is notorious for his role in securing the record amount of $1.2 trillion dollars in pork barrel spending for a high-speed railroad that was eventually shut down due to the high cost of fuel to run the new trains. Ironically it was Bankston himself who sponsored the bill to make the train’s fuel double in cost due to environmental concerns. Seeing a golden ticket to launch a whole new set of schemes Bankston invested nearly all of his fortunes in the largest mall on Earth.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles-suits/thumbs/thumbs_sonny_mugshot_big.png]Sonny P. Madeoff
The son of notorious gangster and scam artist Johnny Madeoff, Sonny was taught early in life that a sucker is born every second. Nothing he or his father ever came up with, however, was as good as the trillion-dollar climate scam thought up by one of his former associates, Vinny Camozzi. When Vinny asked Sonny to help him implement the scheme Sonny had him “put on ice” and put the plan into action himself with the help of the most corrupt politician he had ever met, Benjamin Bankston. In the years following his rise to super-wealthy status Sonny’s ruthless intimidation tactics and unparalleled callousness made him one of the most feared men on the planet. As the leader of the suits he guides mall activities and is widely believed to have his own global command center somewhere underneath the mall where he keeps tabs on all of his corrupt dealings worldwide.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles-suits/thumbs/thumbs_winston_mugshot_big.png]Winston Thurgood Marshall III
Winston Thurgood Marshall III was born wealthy and never once had to want for anything. Spoiled and demanding as a child, Winston was despised by others for his condescending attitude towards his family’s helpers. Despite witnessing firsthand people living in the worst conditions possible Winston is unable to feel empathy towards others because he has no feelings or concern for anyone other than himself. When his parent died he hosted a ball to celebrate his move up on the list of the world’s wealthiest people. He invested in the mall to ensure that his wealthy peers could not boast of owning a more elaborate property than himself. If at any time someone believes they have outdone Winston he insists that the mall be expanded to increase its value and once again put him back on top as the most vein oligarch of them all.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles-suits/thumbs/thumbs_obama_mugshot.png]President Sharack Obama
President Obama is the figurehead leader of the mall. He is the face of the IMCA government and pretends to represent the best interest of the mall's inhabitant and not the big money interest groups which grease his administration's wheels. The same as every other politician, Obama knows that no matter who he is campaigning against, the resulting administration will carry on the policies he is implementing now, because both parties are just two sides of the same coin .
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles-suits/thumbs/thumbs_romney_mugshot.png]Governor Shitt Romney
Governor Romney is the next Republican challenger for the presidency but currently serves as the IMCA's governor. He runs everything inside the main metropolitan commercial zone and keep the city humming with his day to day corrupt dealings. While pretending to be in a heated battle with the President, he knows that the office is actually passed on between a select few people and when his turn is up he will march into office unimpeded. No one knows the sure who will win the election, but one thing is clear: just like a pro wrestling match or stock market "crash" the


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The Suits are rivaled by two shirts who have secretly invested money from their UberBall PowerStakes lottery win to become major shareholders in the IMCA. Cen and Money entertain themselves by throwing as many obstacles in the Suits’ way as possible and keep an eye on their shady underground activities. With the help of the their genius-for-hire accomplice Dr. Cosmo these two shirts help keep balance in the IMCA by stopping the Suits from draining all of the money and creating the largest slum on Earth. PRESS “i” IN TOP RIGHT CORNER FOR CHARACTER INFO!



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These clothes make up a section of the various characters that inhabit the mall. This list will never be complete because new shirts are constantly migrating their way to the IMCA. Enjoy this partial list and demand any shirts you want to see next! PRESS “i” IN TOP RIGHT CORNER FOR CHARACTER INFO!

Character Profiles - Clothing ( CLICK "FS" TO VIEW FULL PROFILE )

Mugshots and Background Reports of Clothing from the Shirt Happens Cast Courtesy of the International Mall City of America Police Department

[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_ben.png]Ben
Ben is the brother of both Cen and Money and serves as a reliable source of very hard to find items. As the owner and operator of the IMCA's most impressive variety store Ben has access to items of all types from guns to high-level technologies. Although Ben is known as a prankster and trash-talking champion you will never see this stealthy shirt clown around with his money or his freedom.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_big-ang2_mugshot.png]Big Ang 2
It's Big Ang! The tobacco-eating platypus whose raspy voice and cartoon proportions have created a personality the IMCA residents will never forget.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_big-ang_mugshot.png]Big Ang
It's another BIG ANG!
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_brucechi_mugshot_big1.png]Bruce Chi
As a young baby shirt in China, Bruce Chi's famiry was attacked by the vicious and savage Dong Hung Lo Clan. His famiry did not survive but Bruce Chi vowed to live on and teach his famiry's philosophy and fighting techniques to everyone who was willing to learn. Bruce Chi is a master of creating techniques which incorporate multiple fighting styles. He harnesses his own Chi to the maximum to cause immense damage. His plans are to one day use his students to avenge his entire famiry and annihilate the Dong Hung Lo Clan once and for all.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_bunnetequifa.png]BunnTequifa
BunnTequifa is the mother of Bunntisha and the current matriarch of the entire Bunne family. Her name is a monument to Mitochondrial Sleeve, the "Mother of all Clothes" who is said to have the longest name of any being who ever lived. She raised Bunntisha and many others in a series of different New Orleans hoods so that all of her children would be able to survive and prosper on their own. The IMCA has proven to be a magnet to her entire family and they plan on making their own mark on the mall by claiming a territory they will call Nueaux Nah'lins ( New New Orleans ) .
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_bunntisha_mugshot_big1.png]Bunntisha
A pair of Booty Shorts that don't take no sh*t and is known around the mall as the "Jill of all trades". Originally on display at a New Orleans thrift store but since relocated to the IMCA she has been known to possess many cashier jobs. This leaves her more times than not with the latest in fashion, weave / hair accessories and cosmetics. Be wary around her because she is as slick as her lip gloss and as fierce as her blunt scowl. Do not dare to engage in any sensible conversation with Bunntisha because it will be met immediately with the most unpredictable remarks and actions.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_burka_mugshot_big1.png]Burka Durka
A shy and quiet woman from the mountains of Buttstankistan, Burka Durka met Fahqmed while he was searching for his first third wife. He acquired her through a trade of 9 pieces of goat cheese and 11 pieces of camel jerkey. Fahqmed's goat cheese was the finest her previous owner had ever tasted and they decided to buy some stock for herself and her family while Fahqmed formed a chain of 9-11 Convenience stores. While the circumstances of their courtship are unknown, Burka Durka soon became a regular fixture in the store as the two were wedded shortly after they came to IMCA. Although known to be there anytime Fahqmed is there she can be very difficult to spot as she has a tendency to disappear suddenly while mumbling quietly in her native language.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_buster_mugshot.png]Buster
Buster has the unfortunate title of being the number one contender to challenge Titan Magnus for his UFB Heavyweight Championship. A perpetual contender, Buster can beat everyone else in his division, but gets his ass kicked by Titan every single time. He keeps hoping Titan may retire but is secretly contemplating just having him whacked so that he may finally get his chance at glory!
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_chowfatdong_mugshot.png]Chow Phat Dong
Chow Phat Dong is a massive sumo wrestler and lard-ass Buddha impersonator who will do anything for money. His grub-worm lips and rotund body lure people into thinking he is harmless when in fact he is a ruthless competitor when it comes to eating, sumo and especially money. He will eat nearly anything and frequently goes on reality TV to show off his disgusting depravity to the world for a couple of extra dollars. Most people believe he is Buddhist, but Dong is most definitely a hedonist.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_cosmo_mugshot_big1.png]Dr. Cosmo
Dr. Cosmo is the only confirmed genius in the mall. Despite his incredible scientific discoveries he has been ridiculed for his achievements in fields from technology to biophysics. Shunned from the universities for his ground-breaking yet dangerous experiments that help him come up with all his intricate machines, Dr. Cosmo chose to seek out private donors to carry out his research without restrictions. He has found Cen and Money to be his best source of both money and ideas to challenge his scientific abilities. The proposition to come run a private lab at the new International Mall of America with two of the biggest investors in the project. With the resources and space he needs to conduct he is now comfortable enough to begin the large scale experiments and projects that have made him infamous, but this time he fully intends to push the limits of science itself.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_dj_mugshot_big1.png]DJ
The man known only as DJ is just one of the many bums who frequent the mall but is the most popular by a landslide because of the unique voice he perfected as a radio host many years ago. Fame and notoriety got to his head and he began drinking hourly to deal with the pressure of constantly being in the spotlight. He uses his surprising voice to earn more than any other beggar and to get himself out of trouble when caught loitering. He spends most of his “earnings” on booze at the mall liquor store where he sometimes sleeps in the bathroom due to an arrangement he has with the owner. The other bums envy him and follow him around in hopes that he’ll give his money away freely while drunk or just pass out so they can take it all. Every now and then the mall administrators will allow him to make announcements over the mall intercom in exchange for a free meal or a gift card to the liquor store. Despite his hopeless addiction and tons of cursing shoppers he endures daily, DJ is content with his situation and has no desire to change a thing.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_edlardo_mugshot.png]Ed'lardo
The older brother of Pancho, Ed'lardo is a very large shirt who unlike Pancho has no wife or kids. Ed'lardo is so fat he attracts very few senoritas so he became a master chef. By eating his own food he bloated up to his current taco shape. He is the owner / best customer at the IMCA's Taco Hut.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_fahqmed_mugshot_big1.png]Fahqmed
Growing up in the desolate deserts of Buttstankistan Fahqmed never imagined himself ever immigrating to the United States. However, a surprise abduction by spies of an unknown origin landed Fahqmed in Guantanamo Bay where he served two years before being released for a lack of evidence. Fahqmed found some sleazy lawyers who decided to sue on his behalf and won him enough money in court to start a life in America. The only condition was that he must start a business to help the American economy, learn English and pay taxes. With Fahqmed's only skill being his knowledge of how to make goat cheese he decided to aim low and start a business that many of his countrymen had already been successful at in America, a convenience store. Fahqmed did not want to start a business in the slums because of being terrified of thieves so he set up shop in one of the most heavily guarded places that he could think of where he knew he would fit in, The International Mall of America. With his limited English and having never paid attention to news out in the desert, Fahqmed could not decide upon a name for his store but eventually chose to base the name off of the nine different varieties of goat cheese and eleven flavors of camel sausage/jerky he would specialize in selling at his store. Fahqmed opened the controversial 9-11 Convenience Store & Deli and his business has thrived ever since.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_gensu-mugshot.png]Gensu
Master Gensu is a master of many different martial arts
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_gigantish_mugshot.png]Gi'gantish
Gi'gantish is a four-armed oddity from India with a severe sex addiction. He doesn't try to hide it, he's been to jail several times for offenses too numerous to name in several countries, mainly Bangkok in Thailand. Gi'gantish is also a world champion competitive eater and will often celebrate his victories by dialing up the services of as many plus-sized strippers as his prize money will buy.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_gordita_mugshot.png]Gordita
The wife of Pancho and matriarch of the entire Pancho clan. Over the years Gordita has come to resemble Pancho progressively right down to the mustache. Gordita has been known to hit the casinos and come up with large sums consistently, leading to speculation that she may have picked up card counting while playing for beans as a young cloth in Taiwan.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_honeymm_mugshot.png]Honey Muu Muu Honey Child
Shamumu's insane and obese country child, Honey Muu Muu struts around the mall putting everyone in their place! She's known for telling it straight and being the center of attention as well her deadly mastery of the martial art Fartjitsu. Any attempt to understand exactly what she's thinking or saying will likely result in the loss of a brain cells.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_hoody_mugshot_big1.png]Hoody
Hoody was stiched in a jail in Taiwan where he promptly learned the art of dispatching other clothes in order to survive. Hoody is a gritty, low down and violent thug who does whatever it takes to prove he truly is keeping it REAL. Hoody generally keeps his criminal activity low profile but makes sure to be available for any mall conflict for the right fee. A loner by nature and an unhinged ally, Hoody fits in perfectly with Bunntisha and Sly's inner circle. They will frequently use each other to carry out immaculate screw-overs on enemies and monetary targets.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_jenny_mugshot.png]Jenny Sue Bob John Bob
Jenny Sue is a country gal with little education and even little ambition. Her main priority is to marry and have kids before she gets old and ugly, and in the woods where she was raised that happens around age 14. She is the twin sister of Billy "Scoot" Bob John Bob and has expressed her willingness to marry several times, but Scoot always manages to weasel out of commitment. Jenny Sue enjoys playing banjo, starting yard trash fires and flashing people while at biker parties. Many believe she is the source of a recent IMCA outbreak of herpes, but she insists that the only reason her crotch looks infected is because of the constant biting of the bed bugs and chiggers that live in the woods surrounding her barn.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_jibbs_mugshot_big1.png]Mr. Jibbs
The creepy mascot of the greasy food court favorite Jerk in the Box,. Mr. Jibbs can usually be described as mellow and harmless with teenage impulses and a severe lack of work ethic. However Jibbs is also known to randomly act completely out of character and you may see him grope customers, scream obscenities and beat the crap out of food court patrons. A loose cannon with tri-polar tendencies, Jibbs is inches away from going ape-sh*t at any given time.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_jobber_mugshot.png]Jobber
A lifelong career floater with no real expertise in anything, Jobber is a Chump-of-all-Trades that manages to rub everyone the wrong way. His abrasive personality mixed with a pessimistic world-view combine to make him an utterly impossible shirt to tolerate in large doses. While Jobber freely admits that he works dozens of jobs and claims to get paid well at all of them, Jobeer has made it clear that he feels himself to be far superior to the average worker. In his mind he is an intellectual giant and everything in life is going exactly as he planned it. When he begins to let reality sink in and sees his true station in life he inflates his ego even further and becomes an even bigger cynical jerk than he is normally in order to try and make himself feel better about his personal shortcomings.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_johnathan_mugshot.png]Mr. Johnathan
An arrogant, sadistic and insecure mental midget pantsuit jacket that has been granted a meaningless position of power in the IMCA. It had tailor surgeries and testosterone implants to gain the respect of those who laughed at it as a tiny young cloth in Mexico. By threatening discrimination lawsuits against IMCA officials Mr. Johnathan gained its current position and now makes enough for its "johnson" Implant to finish the transformation. Mr. Johnathan gets off to having power over others and humiliating them for no reason at all. It even goes so far as to set up situations that make people believe they have failed so that it can roast them and cackle in their faces. Mr. Johnathan hates tall shirts, smart shirts, pretty shirts and even nice shirts.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_jose_mugshot_big1.png]Jose
Stitched and raised in the mean streets of Mexico City Jose had to toughen up early in life if he was to survive the gauntlet of poverty, violence and lawlessness that plagued his hometown. Jose joined a gang to make money as a teenager and eventually was imprisoned in the United States for drug smuggling and entering the country illegally. Through sheer incompetence and disregard of the law Jose was somehow lost in the shuffle of immigration enforcement and released to the general public. Vowing never to be imprisoned again and free from the threat of retaliation from his gang far away in Mexico, Jose has dedicated his life to achieving the American dream. Jose is stubborn, easily agitated and has very few contacts inside America but is nonetheless determined to start his own gang of mostly non-criminal immigrants who will help him build an empire the way his idol Scarface once did. The plan is to recruit others who share his beliefs of hard work, ingenuity and a “unique” brand of Catholic values. The largest mall in America is the perfect place in Jose’s mind to start his quest for greatness and he plans to do whatever it takes to reach his goal. Jose continues the search for his long-lost brother, Jos' B.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_juno_mugshot_big1.png]Abraham 'Juno' Junosovick
Juno is one of most intriguing and polarizing figure in the entire mall. Naturally witty but generally indifferent to everything going on around him, Juno found himself disinterested by the prospects of being just another doctor or lawyer like everyone else in his affluent family. He ended up majoring in the arts in college and eventually spiraled into a lifestyle that included hard drugs and long nights out on the town using his family’s money to fund it all. A short stint in the county jail inspired Juno to turn his life around and he eventually opened Usury Finance in the heart of the mall. Using his family’s connections he secured a spot as the preferred lender for most every shop in the mall, all while charging the absolute legal maximum of 33% interest. His devil-may-care attitude and pointed comments are considered abrasive at best but in general no one takes any personal offense. The exception to that is Faqmed, who regularly refers to Juno as the “Jew-nosed Coke Sniffer” and aims to one day drive him out of business and out of the mall altogether. Naturally Juno is unconcerned with Fahqmed or his opinions and chooses instead to turn the other cheek.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_jupcake.png]Jupcake
Jupcake is an annoying but lovable baby shirt who is fascinated by causing mayhem and taking things away from any shirt in his path. Normal parents hold their offspring at bay in public, but Jupcake's parents take a different approach and let society teach their child the way of the Mall. A seemingly endless supply of energy and being too young to prosecute make Jupcake the unknowing but perfectly willing accomplice to any shirt who is able to put up with his presence. Some say Jupcake may be shirtarded, but others will tell you that he knows exactly what he's doing...
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_kitana_mugshot.png]Kitana
Kitana is a trained warrior and talented order-taker at the Kitana restaurant. The owner, Wan Hung Lo, named it after her because she has been working there since he bought her at age two. Kitana lives to serve and does not plan to marry or stop working at the restaurant until there are no more customers left or Wan dies and releases her from her duties. Kitana is loyal and hardworking but also serves as a lieutenant in the Asian Mafia of the IMCA in her spare time. Kitana can strike with deadly force from any shadow and is perfectly willing to kill anything that would dare disrespect her famiry.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_mallcops_mugshot_big1.png]Mall Cops - Ronnie and Paul
Ronnie and Paul come from different backgrounds but both were drawn into law enforcement by their incredible need to feel control over others. Unable to carry firearms and armed with little more than plastic badges Ronnie and Paul patrol the mall trying to find the weakest looking people to harass so as to avoid any real risk of injury. Punk kids, old people and undersized foreigners are all at risk of a random cavity search so that the suits don't figure out that these two essentially get paid to eat snacks and stare at teenage girls all day. Unfit for anything that requires combat skills or quick thinking these two have spent a lot of time discussing the best places to hide in case of an actual emergency and have determined that they would be safest hidden in the passageways that run behind the food court restaurants. Lazy and unashamed they often find themselves taking credit for crimes foiled by Sergeant Silvera and others. When these two took the oath to "serve and protect" it seems that they preferred to hear "serve with disrespect."
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_marlo_mugshot.png]Marlo
The bodyguard of the Suits and Big Ang. Marlo is the beefy bonehead they rely on the blindly follow orders and beat those who disobey the Suits' directives.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_mikejers_mugshot.png]Mike Jersey
A true fanatic who loves American football, Mike Jersey is often times crude and direct about his opinions on everything from the players themselves to the price of a ticket and anything else that comes to mind when he's drunk and amped for the game. When not ranting or howling jeers at opposing fans you can find Mike cooking gigantic meals out of his RV or connecting his three generator-powered HDTVs to a satellite feed for maximum sports coverage. If you manage to out-spend Mike on game day festivities you better pass out with one eye open.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_moony_mugshot_big1.png]Moony Feelgood
Moony is the mall's resident hippie and is a known agitator, especially when political tensions are high. Despised by mall authorities and ignored by many of the mall's regular guests, Moony has found his niche among the druggies, vegans and people who are generally too nice to express their annoyance. Moony was the last of many children his father had with many women and received the least attention or money as a result. Although lacking in vital emotional support as a child, Moony was rich in enlightened rhetoric imparted from both of his flower-child parents. From conspiracy theories to methods for survival in a state park without getting a job, Moony was immersed in the hippie culture from the time he was a baby. After years roaming from one park or campground to another, Moony finally found the mall where he could hang out 24/7 and take his professional leeching skills to the next level. A lifetime spent doing drugs of all kinds and sleeping around with hairy people of all types, however, has taken their toll on Moony's social skills. Moony tries to express his opinions eloquently but often just ends up exposing his ignorance. Even these shortcomings do not stop him from skimming enough money from shoppers to sustain his scrawny, pasty body and also having enough left over to indulge in hippie luxuries like deodorant and toothpaste. He bathes in the mall bathrooms but is never caught because he has memorized the schedules of all mall janitors. Moony spends his down time in the mall head shop preaching his cultural outlook to anyone who will listen.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_pancho_mugshot.png]Pancho
Pancho is an ordinary father and lawn design engineer who moonlights as a "runner" for the Suits' smuggling operation. He is not particularly great at this position, but he doesn't have to be because every time he gets caught the mall cops bring him right back to his apartment. Pancho is now living the American Dream at the IMCA. Pancho is one of the oldest shirts in the IMCA that was actually made in America!
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_pat_mugshot_big1.png]Pat Feelgood
As a lifelong supporter of the People for the ethical eating of Tasty Animals, Pat is used to the criticism and ridicule that comes from obnoxiously pushing your beliefs on others. So when she came across Moony Feelgood spouting his theories about the true cause of 9/11 she knew she had found her match. Pat was born a hermaphrodite and chose to keep her parts intact as a protest to the barbaric people who enjoy eating animal flesh. After numerous beat-downs at the hands of boys in school she finally claimed her gender as female because she then became relatively immune from attack. Still regularly mistaken for a man Pat formed an “earth-bond” to her partner Moony to prove to everyone she was indeed female. She now promotes the vegan lifestyle by working at Veggie Weggie in the food court and leads by example, sticking to a strict diet of snack cakes and soda drinks with an occasional piece of fruit for dessert.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_plaid_mugshot.jpg]Plaid E Puss
Plaid E Puss is the long-time broadcasting partner of Smedley Futbucker on the Fah-Q News Channel. Together they bring opinionated and bullshit news to the nation with a hint of fact in there to keep people on their toes. Plaid is a big fan of golfing and sports in general and will often listen to sporting events through his headset instead of listening to his producers.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_ranger-mugshot.png]Rump Ranger
Rump Ranger is the head counselor / groper at the Dingleberries National Park. He frequently finds ways to capture Teddy Griffin and perform "animal research" on him, which has caused the bear to have severe mental problems, and may have even caused his multiple personality disorder. Rump Ranger has the personality of a rock and his style is strangely familiar, almost like it has been done to death several times on TV and is severely played out... but that would make him a ripoff, wouldn't it? Nah!
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_richman_mugshot_big1.png]Father Richman
Father Richman is the resident priest in the International Mall of America. He frequently travels the entire mall handing out pamphlets, preaching the word and soliciting tithes from anyone who will listen. Though his appearance is that of a man of wealth, Father Richman insists his fortunes were made previous to him finding God in an Alabama prison ( where he served time for "white-collar" fraud ) and turning his life around. He then became a minister and founded the largest church in the city where he figured he could do "God's work" the greatest, at the IMA. Though Father Richman has been cited numerous times by mall police for stalking activities, Father Richman insists he is trying to convince women and girls to dress more conservatively and only wants to recruit teenagers to join the award-winning church choir he has been directing himself for years.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_rosie_mugshot.png]Rosie
Roise is a flower shop owner who services the IMCA funerals, weddings, anniversaries and the fake commercial-made holiday Valentine's Day. Rosie does the hard work of collecting flowers around the IMCA and putting them into creative arrangements. Rosie is known to also carry many types of exotic herbs and spices that aren't grown locally which keeps in her business during the slumps.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_scoot_mugshot_big1.png]Bily 'Scoot' Bob John Bob
Scoot the redneck is your typical southern man who loves beer, women and NASCAR but he is also known to be highly opinionated on a wide range of topics that he knows little to nothing about. Raised by hardcore Pentecostals who would never let Scoot date women, drink beer or enjoy UFB cage fighting, Scoot developed a deep hatred of authority and rules early on in life. While Scoot may claim patriotism and his undying love for the U.S.A. Scoot hypocritically hates police, corporations and the federal government. Scoot holds a very special type of hate for the IRS and contrary to his carefully crafted patriotic image he feels that he should not have to pay taxes of any sort. Scoot hates welfare even though half of his extended family receives food stamps or disability payments, he hates marijuana users even though he drinks constantly and he hates church even though he gets violent when anyone brings up evolution, gay marriage or the big bang theory. Scoot is as simple as he is contradictory and armed with a fourth grade education and a strong attraction to scantily clad underage females he trolls around the mall trying to have fun while avoiding more jail time or harassment lawsuits.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_shamumu_mugshot_big1.png]Shamumu
Shamumu is a whale of a woman with an appetite as large as her belly. Raised by hippies on a diet of strictly vegetables and tofu Shamumu developed a disdain for healthy eating early on in life. She spends her days grazing through the various restaurants in the food court from which she has rarely strayed for the past ten years. After she sued the mall for food poisoning she acquired by nearly eating herself into a coma, Shamumu has been able to eat for free as part of her settlement. The mall also furnishes a VIP garage that she can use to sleep in so that she can get back to eating as soon as possible. Shamumu gets her clothes custom made at the mall and she bathes in the mall car wash. A sharp-tongued pessimist that isn’t afraid to offend anyone in the mall due to her unique status, Shamumu is often left alone by all who wish to avoid confrontation with her giant frame or her even bigger ego.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_shesus_mugshot.png]Shesus
Shesus is the benevolent being that some believe created all clothes and will take them up to his sweatshop in the sky if they manage to behave. Often called "The Heavenly Tailor" he visits the IMCA to bestow wisdom and also to smite and make his presence felt. Although the book says that Shesus works for justice and light it is sometimes unclear how his ends justify the means. Father Richman often reminds clothes that if you invite the wrath of Shesus ( or if you don't pay your tithes and offerings ) he will rain vengeance down upon you for eternity and burn your soul forever.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_silvera_mugshot_big1.png]SGT Silvera
Sergeant Silvera is a former Marine drill instructor who recruits young patriots at the International Mall of America. Sergeant Silvera has zero tolerance for disrespect, foolish behavior or people who have any ill feelings towards America. A highly trained killing machine with years of combat experience overseas, Silvera is undoubtedly more competent to guard the mall than any of the mall cops employed by the suits. He honors his oath to weed out threats both foreign and domestic by stalking around the mall looking for suspicious characters that appear to be up to no good. Because the mall is international and is visited by hundreds of tourists daily, Silvera frequently finds himself confronting oddly behaving foreigners who may or may not actually have bad intentions in mind. Silvera could not care less however and takes any and every opportunity to intimidate and interrogate anyone he feels is out of place. Many of the "mall rats" who regularly patrol the mall are familiar with Silvera but still get "yoked up" from time to time when he feels the need to unleash some aggression that he normally could not get away with on average tourists. Scoot John Bob and Sly are two of his favorite targets, but no one gets him quite as heated as Fahqmed. Smashing hippie protests, scaring off would-be terrorists and demanding free stuff for his contributions to the country are Silvera's specialty and he is all too happy to extend his services for the foreseeable future.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_slohamhead_mugshot.png]Slohamhead bin Turban
Slohamhead may have a traditional name but other than that he is an outcast of his society. He owns a specialty store in the Buttstankistan desert that moves daily to avoid persecution from the brutal authorities in his country. Unlike others in Buttstankistan Slohamhead freely admits to watching porn, smoking hash and having wives under the age of ten. He blogs about resistance and dreams of one day starting a political party that will oppress everyone and allow zero freedom for anyone but himself. He believes that the biggest problem in Buttstankistan is that he is not the ruler of it.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_sloppy_mugshot_big1.png]Sloppy
Sloppy Joe is a nasty beggar from New Orleans who has spent most of his adult life in the streets or in jail. “Sloppy” has done many disgusting things throughout his life to sustain his addiction to hard drugs and alcohol and this has taken a devastating toll on his appearance. Sloppy has contracted many STDs as a result of his lifestyle but his current condition can be best described as Herpa-Ghono-syphill-AIDS. Most of Sloppy’s day is spent digging through trash cans or following DJ around hoping he will get lucky and catch him passing out. Sloppy is not allowed to use the restrooms or enter the food court in the mall so he has adapted by creating his own sanctuary behind a dumpster in the parking garage.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_sly_mugshot_big1.png]Slivonious 'Sly' Jackson
Sly is a proud black tee whose hard-knock lifestyle has led him to be widely considered as the most street-wise shirt in the entire mall. One day Sly hopes to open up a hip-hop store / nightclub in the mall but for now he mainly just hangs around trying to make new contacts. Though he has no "real" job, Sly does not steal but simply "acquires" the commodities he needs to sustain his lifestyle. Sly is convinced that if he can just get in good with the right person at the mall that the suits will no longer be able to hold him down and he will be able to start his business in one of the most popular places in town. Frequently followed and harassed by mall cops and store owners alike, Sly has earned his nickname by quickly being able to disappear using his thorough knowledge of the mall's intricate passageways and off-limit areas. Many times Sly can get away with breaking common mall rules like smoking and drinking because no one yet has been able to catch up to him to arrest him or issue a ticket. Sly doesn't worry about getting caught though; he knows that the owners of Blood Diamond Jewelers would make sure he was allowed to come back because he and his associates account for a full tenth of their entire yearly income. Everyone knows that if you cannot find something in the stores because demand is high, all you have to do is locate Sly and for the right price he will be sure to find it.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_smedley_mugshot.png]Smedley Futbucker
Smedley started his career as a tabloid vulture reporting on celebrity gossip, cute neglected babies and tasteless coverage of local tragedies. Never one to let the truth get in the way of a good segment, Smedley played the game well and after two years of dating some fruity executives he managed to get the assignment of a lifetime as the anchor of Faux News' nightly news hour. Now that he is recognized ( and hated ) nationwide Smedley continues to use his platform to spout off partisan political BS while simultaneously and hypocritically reporting only on stories that fit his agenda.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_sox_mugshot_big1.png]The Sox
The Sox are a gang of highly irritated and extremely aggressive socks that have tunneled their way out of jail and into the back of a dryer in one of the IMCA laundromats. The Sox have no leader, follow no rules and will often openly debate their plans in hushed whispers before unleashing their collective judgment upon offending shirts. There is no doubt that the presence of the Sox can only lead to mayhem being brought to any shirt within striking distance. Their signature move is a bolt of lightning that they create from static electricity by rubbing against each other furiously.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_titan_mugshot_big1.png]Titan Magnus
The current reigning Ultimate F’n Beatdown Heavyweight Champion, Titan Magnus is a self-absorbed brute who loves attention almost as much as he loves smashing people’s bones. He frequently visits the mall to drum up attention to his upcoming fights and more importantly himself. Signing autographs and doing interviews with the media are just secondary pursuits that Titan does to fulfill his contractual obligations. The real reason Titan comes to the mall is meet women and collect the gifts of shop owners seeking endorsements or those who are simply fans. A cocky, intimidating and unapologetic personality to be sure, Titan is no slouch and takes advantage of every opportunity to rough up misbehaving mall shoppers. Any thieving, violent or just plain obnoxious mall guest had better watch their flank because Titan is known to strike quickly and without warning. No law officer yet has been brave enough to try and arrest Titan so he continues unabated in his quest for fame and glory unrivaled in the history of combat sports.
[img src=http://shirthappensstudio.com/wp-content/flagallery/character-profiles/thumbs/thumbs_wan_mugshot_big1.png]Wan Hung Lo
Wan Hung Lo is a Japanese national who moved to the United States to enrich himself by taking advantage of the current American infatuation with sushi bars. Wan is extremely prejudice and does not believe that any culture is equal to the one in which he was raised. This superiority complex makes Wan prone to seemingly random outbursts of anger whenever he reaches his "stupidity threshold" and can no longer stand to listen to empty-minded small talk from his American customers. Trained as a boy in the way of the ninja, Wan's butcher knife rarely leaves his side. He carries it around the mall which at times causes concern but the mall cops are too afraid to confront Wan due to both political correctness and the fact that Wan may just chop them into sushi squares. Wan hates China and becomes particularly infuriated when people refer to his cuisine as "chinese food." Wan is highly intelligent due to the fact that his parents beat him repeatedly for anything less than perfect grades, and he is considered very wise on a variety of subjects including Eastern medicine and of course, math. Although somewhat of an enigma in the mall Wan is said to only be truly happy while fishing, cooking or practicing shirt-jitsu.

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For those who want to view the descriptions outside of the viewing plug-in, here are the descriptions without pictures:

Shirts. Suits. Sox. Comedy!

Ben

Ben is the brother of both Cen and Money and serves as a reliable source of very hard to find items. As the owner and operator of the IMCA’s most impressive variety store Ben has access to items of all types from guns to high-level technologies. Although Ben is known as a prankster and trash-talking champion you will never see this stealthy shirt clown around with his money or his freedom.

Bo’Jangles

Bo’Jangles’ first and last job was at Jerk in the Box and he was only hired because no one else showed up for the open interviews. He eventually got his other friends on (DJ and Sloppy Jo), they all were fired the same day. Since then they have all been found in the dumpster alley of the mall. Bo’Jangles was the first pair of jeans thrown out from the sweatshop because a slow worker made one leg shorter than the other, causing humiliation that turned Bo’Jangles into a hopeless drug addict.

Bruce Chi

As a young baby shirt in China, Bruce Chi’s famiry was attacked by the vicious and savage Dong Hung Lo Clan. His famiry did not survive but Bruce Chi vowed to live on and teach his famiry’s philosophy and fighting techniques to everyone who was willing to learn. Bruce Chi is a master of creating techniques which incorporate multiple fighting styles. He harnesses his own Chi to the maximum to cause immense damage. His plans are to one day use his students to avenge his entire famiry and annihilate the Dong Hung Lo Clan once and for all.

BunnTequifa

BunnTequifa is the mother of Bunntisha and the current matriarch of the entire Bunne family. Her name is a monument to Mitochondrial Sleeve, the “Mother of all Clothes” who is said to have the longest name of any being who ever lived. She raised Bunntisha and many others in a series of different New Orleans hoods so that all of her children would be able to survive and prosper on their own. The IMCA has proven to be a magnet to her entire family and they plan on making their own mark on the mall by claiming a territory they will call Nueaux Nah’lins ( New New Orleans ) .

Bunntisha

A pair of Booty Shorts that don’t take no sh*t and is known around the mall as the “Jill of all trades”. Originally on display at a New Orleans thrift store but since relocated to the IMCA she has been known to possess many cashier jobs. This leaves her more times than not with the latest in fashion, weave / hair accessories and cosmetics. Be wary around her because she is as slick as her lip gloss and as fierce as her blunt scowl. Do not dare to engage in any sensible conversation with Bunntisha because it will be met immediately with the most unpredictable remarks and actions.

Burka Durka

A shy and quiet woman from the mountains of Buttstankistan, Burka Durka met Fahqmed while he was searching for his first third wife. He acquired her through a trade of 9 pieces of goat cheese and 11 pieces of camel jerkey. Fahqmed’s goat cheese was the finest her previous owner had ever tasted and they decided to buy some stock for herself and her family while Fahqmed formed a chain of 9-11 Convenience stores. While the circumstances of their courtship are unknown, Burka Durka soon became a regular fixture in the store as the two were wedded shortly after they came to IMCA. Although known to be there anytime Fahqmed is there she can be very difficult to spot as she has a tendency to disappear suddenly while mumbling quietly in her native language.

Dr. Cosmo

Dr. Cosmo is the only confirmed genius in the mall. Despite his incredible scientific discoveries he has been ridiculed for his achievements in fields from technology to biophysics. Shunned from the universities for his ground-breaking yet dangerous experiments that help him come up with all his intricate machines, Dr. Cosmo chose to seek out private donors to carry out his research without restrictions. He has found Cen and Money to be his best source of both money and ideas to challenge his scientific abilities. The proposition to come run a private lab at the new International Mall of America with two of the biggest investors in the project. With the resources and space he needs to conduct he is now comfortable enough to begin the large scale experiments and projects that have made him infamous, but this time he fully intends to push the limits of science itself.

DJ

The man known only as DJ is just one of the many bums who frequent the mall but is the most popular by a landslide because of the unique voice he perfected as a radio host many years ago. Fame and notoriety got to his head and he began drinking hourly to deal with the pressure of constantly being in the spotlight. He uses his surprising voice to earn more than any other beggar and to get himself out of trouble when caught loitering. He spends most of his “earnings” on booze at the mall liquor store where he sometimes sleeps in the bathroom due to an arrangement he has with the owner. The other bums envy him and follow him around in hopes that he’ll give his money away freely while drunk or just pass out so they can take it all. Every now and then the mall administrators will allow him to make announcements over the mall intercom in exchange for a free meal or a gift card to the liquor store. Despite his hopeless addiction and tons of cursing shoppers he endures daily, DJ is content with his situation and has no desire to change a thing.

Fahqmed

Growing up in the desolate deserts of Buttstankistan Fahqmed never imagined himself ever immigrating to the United States. However, a surprise abduction by spies of an unknown origin landed Fahqmed in Guantanamo Bay where he served two years before being released for a lack of evidence. Fahqmed found some sleazy lawyers who decided to sue on his behalf and won him enough money in court to start a life in America. The only condition was that he must start a business to help the American economy, learn English and pay taxes. With Fahqmed’s only skill being his knowledge of how to make goat cheese he decided to aim low and start a business that many of his countrymen had already been successful at in America, a convenience store. Fahqmed did not want to start a business in the slums because of being terrified of thieves so he set up shop in one of the most heavily guarded places that he could think of where he knew he would fit in, The International Mall of America. With his limited English and having never paid attention to news out in the desert, Fahqmed could not decide upon a name for his store but eventually chose to base the name off of the nine different varieties of goat cheese and eleven flavors of camel sausage/jerky he would specialize in selling at his store. Fahqmed opened the controversial 9-11 Convenience Store & Deli and his business has thrived ever since.

Hoody

Hoody was stiched in a jail in Taiwan where he promptly learned the art of dispatching other clothes in order to survive. Hoody is a gritty, low down and violent thug who does whatever it takes to prove he truly is keeping it REAL. Hoody generally keeps his criminal activity low profile but makes sure to be available for any mall conflict for the right fee. A loner by nature and an unhinged ally, Hoody fits in perfectly with Bunntisha and Sly’s inner circle. They will frequently use each other to carry out immaculate screw-overs on enemies and monetary targets.

Shirts. Suits. Sox. Comedy!

Jenny Sue Bob John Bob

Jenny Sue is a country gal with little education and even little ambition. Her main priority is to marry and have kids before she gets old and ugly, and in the woods where she was raised that happens around age 14. She is the twin sister of Billy “Scoot” Bob John Bob and has expressed her willingness to marry several times, but Scoot always manages to weasel out of commitment. Jenny Sue enjoys playing banjo, starting yard trash fires and flashing people while at biker parties. Many believe she is the source of a recent IMCA outbreak of herpes, but she insists that the only reason her crotch looks infected is because of the constant biting of the bed bugs and chiggers that live in the woods surrounding her barn.

Mr. Jibbs

The creepy mascot of the greasy food court favorite Jerk in the Box,. Mr. Jibbs can usually be described as mellow and harmless with teenage impulses and a severe lack of work ethic. However Jibbs is also known to randomly act completely out of character and you may see him grope customers, scream obscenities and beat the crap out of food court patrons. A loose cannon with tri-polar tendencies, Jibbs is inches away from going ape-sh*t at any given time.

Jobber

A lifelong career floater with no real expertise in anything, Jobber is a Chump-of-all-Trades that manages to rub everyone the wrong way. His abrasive personality mixed with a pessimistic world-view combine to make him an utterly impossible shirt to tolerate in large doses. While Jobber freely admits that he works dozens of jobs and claims to get paid well at all of them, Jobeer has made it clear that he feels himself to be far superior to the average worker. In his mind he is an intellectual giant and everything in life is going exactly as he planned it. When he begins to let reality sink in and sees his true station in life he inflates his ego even further and becomes an even bigger cynical jerk than he is normally in order to try and make himself feel better about his personal shortcomings.

Jose

Stitched and raised in the mean streets of Mexico City Jose had to toughen up early in life if he was to survive the gauntlet of poverty, violence and lawlessness that plagued his hometown. Jose joined a gang to make money as a teenager and eventually was imprisoned in the United States for drug smuggling and entering the country illegally. Through sheer incompetence and disregard of the law Jose was somehow lost in the shuffle of immigration enforcement and released to the general public. Vowing never to be imprisoned again and free from the threat of retaliation from his gang far away in Mexico, Jose has dedicated his life to achieving the American dream. Jose is stubborn, easily agitated and has very few contacts inside America but is nonetheless determined to start his own gang of mostly non-criminal immigrants who will help him build an empire the way his idol Scarface once did. The plan is to recruit others who share his beliefs of hard work, ingenuity and a “unique” brand of Catholic values. The largest mall in America is the perfect place in Jose’s mind to start his quest for greatness and he plans to do whatever it takes to reach his goal. Jose continues the search for his long-lost brother, Jos’ B.

Abraham ‘Juno’ Junosovick

Juno is one of most intriguing and polarizing figure in the entire mall. Naturally witty but generally indifferent to everything going on around him, Juno found himself disinterested by the prospects of being just another doctor or lawyer like everyone else in his affluent family. He ended up majoring in the arts in college and eventually spiraled into a lifestyle that included hard drugs and long nights out on the town using his family’s money to fund it all. A short stint in the county jail inspired Juno to turn his life around and he eventually opened Usury Finance in the heart of the mall. Using his family’s connections he secured a spot as the preferred lender for most every shop in the mall, all while charging the absolute legal maximum of 33% interest. His devil-may-care attitude and pointed comments are considered abrasive at best but in general no one takes any personal offense. The exception to that is Faqmed, who regularly refers to Juno as the “Jew-nosed Coke Sniffer” and aims to one day drive him out of business and out of the mall altogether. Naturally Juno is unconcerned with Fahqmed or his opinions and chooses instead to turn the other cheek.

Jupcake

Jupcake is an annoying but lovable baby shirt who is fascinated by causing mayhem and taking things away from any shirt in his path. Normal parents hold their offspring at bay in public, but Jupcake’s parents take a different approach and let society teach their child the way of the Mall. A seemingly endless supply of energy and being too young to prosecute make Jupcake the unknowing but perfectly willing accomplice to any shirt who is able to put up with his presence. Some say Jupcake may be shirtarded, but others will tell you that he knows exactly what he’s doing…

Kitana

Kitana is a trained warrior and talented order-taker at the Kitana restaurant. The owner, Wan Hung Lo, named it after her because she has been working there since he bought her at age two. Kitana lives to serve and does not plan to marry or stop working at the restaurant until there are no more customers left or Wan dies and releases her from her duties. Kitana is loyal and hardworking but also serves as a lieutenant in the Asian Mafia of the IMCA in her spare time. Kitana can strike with deadly force from any shadow and is perfectly willing to kill anything that would dare disrespect her famiry.

Mall Cops – Ronnie and Paul

Ronnie and Paul come from different backgrounds but both were drawn into law enforcement by their incredible need to feel control over others. Unable to carry firearms and armed with little more than plastic badges Ronnie and Paul patrol the mall trying to find the weakest looking people to harass so as to avoid any real risk of injury. Punk kids, old people and undersized foreigners are all at risk of a random cavity search so that the suits don’t figure out that these two essentially get paid to eat snacks and stare at teenage girls all day. Unfit for anything that requires combat skills or quick thinking these two have spent a lot of time discussing the best places to hide in case of an actual emergency and have determined that they would be safest hidden in the passageways that run behind the food court restaurants. Lazy and unashamed they often find themselves taking credit for crimes foiled by Sergeant Silvera and others. When these two took the oath to “serve and protect” it seems that they preferred to hear “serve with disrespect.”

Mike Jersey

A true fanatic who loves American football, Mike Jersey is often times crude and direct about his opinions on everything from the players themselves to the price of a ticket and anything else that comes to mind when he’s drunk and amped for the game. When not ranting or howling jeers at opposing fans you can find Mike cooking gigantic meals out of his RV or connecting his three generator-powered HDTVs to a satellite feed for maximum sports coverage. If you manage to out-spend Mike on game day festivities you better pass out with one eye open.

Moony Feelgood

Moony is the mall’s resident hippie and is a known agitator, especially when political tensions are high. Despised by mall authorities and ignored by many of the mall’s regular guests, Moony has found his niche among the druggies, vegans and people who are generally too nice to express their annoyance. Moony was the last of many children his father had with many women and received the least attention or money as a result. Although lacking in vital emotional support as a child, Moony was rich in enlightened rhetoric imparted from both of his flower-child parents. From conspiracy theories to methods for survival in a state park without getting a job, Moony was immersed in the hippie culture from the time he was a baby. After years roaming from one park or campground to another, Moony finally found the mall where he could hang out 24/7 and take his professional leeching skills to the next level. A lifetime spent doing drugs of all kinds and sleeping around with hairy people of all types, however, has taken their toll on Moony’s social skills. Moony tries to express his opinions eloquently but often just ends up exposing his ignorance. Even these shortcomings do not stop him from skimming enough money from shoppers to sustain his scrawny, pasty body and also having enough left over to indulge in hippie luxuries like deodorant and toothpaste. He bathes in the mall bathrooms but is never caught because he has memorized the schedules of all mall janitors. Moony spends his down time in the mall head shop preaching his cultural outlook to anyone who will listen.

Pat Feelgood

As a lifelong supporter of the People for the ethical eating of Tasty Animals, Pat is used to the criticism and ridicule that comes from obnoxiously pushing your beliefs on others. So when she came across Moony Feelgood spouting his theories about the true cause of 9/11 she knew she had found her match. Pat was born a hermaphrodite and chose to keep her parts intact as a protest to the barbaric people who enjoy eating animal flesh. After numerous beat-downs at the hands of boys in school she finally claimed her gender as female because she then became relatively immune from attack. Still regularly mistaken for a man Pat formed an “earth-bond” to her partner Moony to prove to everyone she was indeed female. She now promotes the vegan lifestyle by working at Veggie Weggie in the food court and leads by example, sticking to a strict diet of snack cakes and soda drinks with an occasional piece of fruit for dessert.

Father Richman

Father Richman is the resident priest in the International Mall of America. He frequently travels the entire mall handing out pamphlets, preaching the word and soliciting tithes from anyone who will listen. Though his appearance is that of a man of wealth, Father Richman insists his fortunes were made previous to him finding God in an Alabama prison ( where he served time for “white-collar” fraud ) and turning his life around. He then became a minister and founded the largest church in the city where he figured he could do “God’s work” the greatest, at the IMA. Though Father Richman has been cited numerous times by mall police for stalking activities, Father Richman insists he is trying to convince women and girls to dress more conservatively and only wants to recruit teenagers to join the award-winning church choir he has been directing himself for years.

Bily ‘Scoot’ Bob John Bob

Scoot the redneck is your typical southern man who loves beer, women and NASCAR but he is also known to be highly opinionated on a wide range of topics that he knows little to nothing about. Raised by hardcore Pentecostals who would never let Scoot date women, drink beer or enjoy UFB cage fighting, Scoot developed a deep hatred of authority and rules early on in life. While Scoot may claim patriotism and his undying love for the U.S.A. Scoot hypocritically hates police, corporations and the federal government. Scoot holds a very special type of hate for the IRS and contrary to his carefully crafted patriotic image he feels that he should not have to pay taxes of any sort. Scoot hates welfare even though half of his extended family receives food stamps or disability payments, he hates marijuana users even though he drinks constantly and he hates church even though he gets violent when anyone brings up evolution, gay marriage or the big bang theory. Scoot is as simple as he is contradictory and armed with a fourth grade education and a strong attraction to scantily clad underage females he trolls around the mall trying to have fun while avoiding more jail time or harassment lawsuits.

Shamumu

Shamumu is a whale of a woman with an appetite as large as her belly. Raised by hippies on a diet of strictly vegetables and tofu Shamumu developed a disdain for healthy eating early on in life. She spends her days grazing through the various restaurants in the food court from which she has rarely strayed for the past ten years. After she sued the mall for food poisoning she acquired by nearly eating herself into a coma, Shamumu has been able to eat for free as part of her settlement. The mall also furnishes a VIP garage that she can use to sleep in so that she can get back to eating as soon as possible. Shamumu gets her clothes custom made at the mall and she bathes in the mall car wash. A sharp-tongued pessimist that isn’t afraid to offend anyone in the mall due to her unique status, Shamumu is often left alone by all who wish to avoid confrontation with her giant frame or her even bigger ego.

Shesus

Shesus is the benevolent being that some believe created all clothes and will take them up to his sweatshop in the sky if they manage to behave. Often called “The Heavenly Tailor” he visits the IMCA to bestow wisdom and also to smite and make his presence felt. Although the book says that Shesus works for justice and light it is sometimes unclear how his ends justify the means. Father Richman often reminds clothes that if you invite the wrath of Shesus ( or if you don’t pay your tithes and offerings ) he will rain vengeance down upon you for eternity and burn your soul forever.

SGT Silvera

Sergeant Silvera is a former Marine drill instructor who recruits young patriots at the International Mall of America. Sergeant Silvera has zero tolerance for disrespect, foolish behavior or people who have any ill feelings towards America. A highly trained killing machine with years of combat experience overseas, Silvera is undoubtedly more competent to guard the mall than any of the mall cops employed by the suits. He honors his oath to weed out threats both foreign and domestic by stalking around the mall looking for suspicious characters that appear to be up to no good. Because the mall is international and is visited by hundreds of tourists daily, Silvera frequently finds himself confronting oddly behaving foreigners who may or may not actually have bad intentions in mind. Silvera could not care less however and takes any and every opportunity to intimidate and interrogate anyone he feels is out of place. Many of the “mall rats” who regularly patrol the mall are familiar with Silvera but still get “yoked up” from time to time when he feels the need to unleash some aggression that he normally could not get away with on average tourists. Scoot John Bob and Sly are two of his favorite targets, but no one gets him quite as heated as Fahqmed. Smashing hippie protests, scaring off would-be terrorists and demanding free stuff for his contributions to the country are Silvera’s specialty and he is all too happy to extend his services for the foreseeable future.

Slohamhead bin Turban

Slohamhead may have a traditional name but other than that he is an outcast of his society. He owns a specialty store in the Buttstankistan desert that moves daily to avoid persecution from the brutal authorities in his country. Unlike others in Buttstankistan Slohamhead freely admits to watching porn, smoking hash and having wives under the age of ten. He blogs about resistance and dreams of one day starting a political party that will oppress everyone and allow zero freedom for anyone but himself. He believes that the biggest problem in Buttstankistan is that he is not the ruler of it.

Sloppy

Sloppy Joe is a nasty beggar from New Orleans who has spent most of his adult life in the streets or in jail. “Sloppy” has done many disgusting things throughout his life to sustain his addiction to hard drugs and alcohol and this has taken a devastating toll on his appearance. Sloppy has contracted many STDs as a result of his lifestyle but his current condition can be best described as Herpa-Ghono-syphill-AIDS. Most of Sloppy’s day is spent digging through trash cans or following DJ around hoping he will get lucky and catch him passing out. Sloppy is not allowed to use the restrooms or enter the food court in the mall so he has adapted by creating his own sanctuary behind a dumpster in the parking garage.

Slivonious ‘Sly’ Jackson

Sly is a proud black tee whose hard-knock lifestyle has led him to be widely considered as the most street-wise shirt in the entire mall. One day Sly hopes to open up a hip-hop store / nightclub in the mall but for now he mainly just hangs around trying to make new contacts. Though he has no “real” job, Sly does not steal but simply “acquires” the commodities he needs to sustain his lifestyle. Sly is convinced that if he can just get in good with the right person at the mall that the suits will no longer be able to hold him down and he will be able to start his business in one of the most popular places in town. Frequently followed and harassed by mall cops and store owners alike, Sly has earned his nickname by quickly being able to disappear using his thorough knowledge of the mall’s intricate passageways and off-limit areas. Many times Sly can get away with breaking common mall rules like smoking and drinking because no one yet has been able to catch up to him to arrest him or issue a ticket. Sly doesn’t worry about getting caught though; he knows that the owners of Blood Diamond Jewelers would make sure he was allowed to come back because he and his associates account for a full tenth of their entire yearly income. Everyone knows that if you cannot find something in the stores because demand is high, all you have to do is locate Sly and for the right price he will be sure to find it.

Smedley Futbucker

Smedley started his career as a tabloid vulture reporting on celebrity gossip, cute neglected babies and tasteless coverage of local tragedies. Never one to let the truth get in the way of a good segment, Smedley played the game well and after two years of dating some fruity executives he managed to get the assignment of a lifetime as the anchor of Faux News’ nightly news hour. Now that he is recognized ( and hated ) nationwide Smedley continues to use his platform to spout off partisan political BS while simultaneously and hypocritically reporting only on stories that fit his agenda.

The Sox

The Sox are a gang of highly irritated and extremely aggressive socks that have tunneled their way out of jail and into the back of a dryer in one of the IMCA laundromats. The Sox have no leader, follow no rules and will often openly debate their plans in hushed whispers before unleashing their collective judgment upon offending shirts. There is no doubt that the presence of the Sox can only lead to mayhem being brought to any shirt within striking distance. Their signature move is a bolt of lightning that they create from static electricity by rubbing against each other furiously.

Titan Magnus

The current reigning Ultimate F’n Beatdown Heavyweight Champion, Titan Magnus is a self-absorbed brute who loves attention almost as much as he loves smashing people’s bones. He frequently visits the mall to drum up attention to his upcoming fights and more importantly himself. Signing autographs and doing interviews with the media are just secondary pursuits that Titan does to fulfill his contractual obligations. The real reason Titan comes to the mall is meet women and collect the gifts of shop owners seeking endorsements or those who are simply fans. A cocky, intimidating and unapologetic personality to be sure, Titan is no slouch and takes advantage of every opportunity to rough up misbehaving mall shoppers. Any thieving, violent or just plain obnoxious mall guest had better watch their flank because Titan is known to strike quickly and without warning. No law officer yet has been brave enough to try and arrest Titan so he continues unabated in his quest for fame and glory unrivaled in the history of combat sports.

Wan Hung Lo

Wan Hung Lo is a Japanese national who moved to the United States to enrich himself by taking advantage of the current American infatuation with sushi bars. Wan is extremely prejudice and does not believe that any culture is equal to the one in which he was raised. This superiority complex makes Wan prone to seemingly random outbursts of anger whenever he reaches his “stupidity threshold” and can no longer stand to listen to empty-minded small talk from his American customers. Trained as a boy in the way of the ninja, Wan’s butcher knife rarely leaves his side. He carries it around the mall which at times causes concern but the mall cops are too afraid to confront Wan due to both political correctness and the fact that Wan may just chop them into sushi squares. Wan hates China and becomes particularly infuriated when people refer to his cuisine as “chinese food.” Wan is highly intelligent due to the fact that his parents beat him repeatedly for anything less than perfect grades, and he is considered very wise on a variety of subjects including Eastern medicine and of course, math. Although somewhat of an enigma in the mall Wan is said to only be truly happy while fishing, cooking or practicing shirt-jitsu.

Shirts. Suits. Sox. Comedy!

s inner circle. They will frequently use each other to carry out immaculate screw-overs on enemies and monetary targets.

Shirts. Suits. Sox. Comedy!

Jenny Sue Bob John Bob

Jenny Sue is a country gal with little education and even little ambition. Her main priority is to marry and have kids before she gets old and ugly, and in the woods where she was raised that happens around age 14. She is the twin sister of Billy

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Shirt Happens Comedy – Character Profiles: Mugshots Courtesey of the International Mall City of America Police Department

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